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You are here: Home / Humor / Volume of Life

Volume of Life

March 2, 2016 26 Comments

Life needs volume controls. If you’ve ever had an eight year old, been near an eight year old, or been an eight year old, yourself, you know exactly what I mean. I’ve tried the TV remote, mashing the button, repeatedly, while pointing its blinking red light at the boy, then mashing the button harder, and harder, all to no avail.

He just shouted, “WHATCHA DOING, DAD?”

He shouts everything he says.

On bath night, I checked his back for a volume knob of some sort, or maybe a mute button, whilst he roared, loudly, like a bubble-covered Spinosaurus. No such utility was found. The acoustic quality of Ceramic Tile and Formica bathrooms is stunningly impressive.

It doesn’t seem possible that a person of a mere four feet in height could achieve such earsplitting volumes. Every thought I might dare to pursue does, indeed, need to be pursued as it flees in terror from the piercingly loud siren sounds, stepping on pointy, green army men as it runs, tripping over motion-activated robots, which whir to life, beeping, and making Zap-Zap laser sounds, my fleeing thoughts looking back only to urgently ask, ”What the fuck was THAT?!”

Any volume setting above “6” on the television causes male pattern baldness in men over the age of 40. It’s been documented. The only exceptions to be made are for Batman movies, because Batman whispers a lot. As the boy reaches for the three remotes required to operate a modern television, each with 50 small, rubber buttons, whose intended purpose is marked in small, white print which is only visible by powerful electron microscope, or by eight year old children, who ignore all but the volume-up button, I ask him, remindingly, what the maximum volume setting should be.

“Six, Dad.” He responds, in oddly quiet tone.

As yellow cartoon characters bounce and jiggle, like lemon Jello, the volume creeps up, shaken, as the TV, itself, begins to jump around on the stand. The windows rattle, and my old, deaf dogs begin to bark, an insistent, staccato, canine inquiry, demanding to know, ”What the fuck was THAT?!”

Tonight, he’s at a sleepover– 6 or 7 eight year olds, are making the noise of 100, but they are doing it elsewhere. It sure is quiet around here, strangely quiet. I kick at a toy dinosaur, gently, just to hear it roar, like the boy does. The batteries are dead.


Holy shit this is old. He’s 11 now. Still loud tho..

26 Comments

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. mukul chand says

    March 2, 2016 at 3:54 am

    Great Post

    Reply
  2. thoughtsgather says

    March 2, 2016 at 3:58 am

    The trick…. You just start speaking quieter. It works 🙂 I know these things

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 4:00 am

      You’re a damned genius.. If it works 😉 I’m gonna try it.

      Reply
  3. thoughtsgather says

    March 2, 2016 at 4:00 am

    It works at home and at work. 🙂

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 4:02 am

      You clever girl.. <–dinosaur movie reference.

      Reply
  4. thoughtsgather says

    March 2, 2016 at 4:02 am

    🙂

    Reply
  5. Manan Unleashed says

    March 2, 2016 at 4:16 am

    Hi from Manan. This was such a fantastic write. The reference to Batman made me laugh hard. I have a 4 year old. Should I start getting paranoid about what lies in store? 😉

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 4:20 am

      Hi Manan 🙂 Yes, you should start getting paranoid. Lol. I wouldn’t trade a second of it tho. He’s my buddy. So glad you liked this. Thank you.

      Reply
      • Manan Unleashed says

        March 2, 2016 at 4:21 am

        Thank you for the heads up. Lol

        Reply
  6. Lisa R. Palmer says

    March 2, 2016 at 7:11 am

    Loved this! Really! 🙂

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 12:27 pm

      Thank you, Lisa 🙂 So glad you liked this.

      Reply
  7. Mils says

    March 2, 2016 at 8:52 am

    Elegiac and hopeful, in a forward-looking sense, at the same time … Love this narrative.

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 12:31 pm

      Thank you Mils, and now I’ve learned a new word as well 😉

      Reply
      • Mils says

        March 2, 2016 at 5:59 pm

        🙂

        Reply
  8. Toni Genia says

    March 2, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Two sons. Every day was a wrestling match with each other, and even myself. I won …sometimes. 😉

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 2:20 pm

      Lol. Yes. We never really outgrow that. Glad you won, sometimes. 😉

      Reply
  9. tiffanybeingfree says

    March 2, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    Omfg! I have an 8 y.o. So I can so fucking relate. I’m in tears, with laughter… My coworkers can’t understand why I’m crying. I tried to read your post and they’re calling the men in white suits and that special coat that keeps me safe, so that’s what they tell me.
    Oh, my! I need to read this later when I’m not crying! Great post!
    ❤️ Tiffany

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      It’s a magical coat.. 😉 That what they told me of mine.. So glad you enjoyed this Tiffany.

      Reply
      • tiffanybeingfree says

        March 2, 2016 at 11:00 pm

        ?still laughing! Maybe it’s so close to home.

        Reply
  10. tiffanybeingfree says

    March 2, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    And this just confirms we’re in the same tribe!

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 2, 2016 at 6:43 pm

      I never doubted that, in truth 😉

      Reply
      • tiffanybeingfree says

        March 2, 2016 at 11:00 pm

        ???❤️Tiffany. I’ll bring the drums!

        Reply
        • Eric says

          March 3, 2016 at 3:03 am

          Thank you for the smile today, Tiffany 🙂

          Reply
          • tiffanybeingfree says

            March 3, 2016 at 3:09 am

            Anytime!

            Reply
  11. Dorinda Duclos says

    March 3, 2016 at 4:36 am

    Next time he yells, don’t react. When he hollers for you again, look quizzically around the room then at him and ask “did you say something?” When he yells yes (and he will yell) say “sorry it’s too loud in here, I couldn’t hear you”. Always worked for me lol

    Reply
    • Eric says

      March 3, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      Lol. I’ll give that a whirl 🙂 Thanks Dorinda.

      Reply

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