Life needs volume controls. If you’ve ever had an eight year old, been near an eight year old, or been an eight year old, yourself, you know exactly what I mean. I’ve tried the TV remote, mashing the button, repeatedly, while pointing its blinking red light at the boy, then mashing the button harder, and harder, all to no avail.
He just shouted, “WHATCHA DOING, DAD?”
He shouts everything he says.
On bath night, I checked his back for a volume knob of some sort, or maybe a mute button, whilst he roared, loudly, like a bubble-covered Spinosaurus. No such utility was found. The acoustic quality of Ceramic Tile and Formica bathrooms is stunningly impressive.
It doesn’t seem possible that a person of a mere four feet in height could achieve such earsplitting volumes. Every thought I might dare to pursue does, indeed, need to be pursued as it flees in terror from the piercingly loud siren sounds, stepping on pointy, green army men as it runs, tripping over motion-activated robots, which whir to life, beeping, and making Zap-Zap laser sounds, my fleeing thoughts looking back only to urgently ask, ”What the fuck was THAT?!”
Any volume setting above “6” on the television causes male pattern baldness in men over the age of 40. It’s been documented. The only exceptions to be made are for Batman movies, because Batman whispers a lot. As the boy reaches for the three remotes required to operate a modern television, each with 50 small, rubber buttons, whose intended purpose is marked in small, white print which is only visible by powerful electron microscope, or by eight year old children, who ignore all but the volume-up button, I ask him, remindingly, what the maximum volume setting should be.
“Six, Dad.” He responds, in oddly quiet tone.
As yellow cartoon characters bounce and jiggle, like lemon Jello, the volume creeps up, shaken, as the TV, itself, begins to jump around on the stand. The windows rattle, and my old, deaf dogs begin to bark, an insistent, staccato, canine inquiry, demanding to know, ”What the fuck was THAT?!”
Tonight, he’s at a sleepover– 6 or 7 eight year olds, are making the noise of 100, but they are doing it elsewhere. It sure is quiet around here, strangely quiet. I kick at a toy dinosaur, gently, just to hear it roar, like the boy does. The batteries are dead.
Holy shit this is old. He’s 11 now. Still loud tho..
mukul chand says
Great Post
thoughtsgather says
The trick…. You just start speaking quieter. It works 🙂 I know these things
Eric says
You’re a damned genius.. If it works 😉 I’m gonna try it.
thoughtsgather says
It works at home and at work. 🙂
Eric says
You clever girl.. <–dinosaur movie reference.
thoughtsgather says
🙂
Manan Unleashed says
Hi from Manan. This was such a fantastic write. The reference to Batman made me laugh hard. I have a 4 year old. Should I start getting paranoid about what lies in store? 😉
Eric says
Hi Manan 🙂 Yes, you should start getting paranoid. Lol. I wouldn’t trade a second of it tho. He’s my buddy. So glad you liked this. Thank you.
Manan Unleashed says
Thank you for the heads up. Lol
Lisa R. Palmer says
Loved this! Really! 🙂
Eric says
Thank you, Lisa 🙂 So glad you liked this.
Mils says
Elegiac and hopeful, in a forward-looking sense, at the same time … Love this narrative.
Eric says
Thank you Mils, and now I’ve learned a new word as well 😉
Mils says
🙂
Toni Genia says
Two sons. Every day was a wrestling match with each other, and even myself. I won …sometimes. 😉
Eric says
Lol. Yes. We never really outgrow that. Glad you won, sometimes. 😉
tiffanybeingfree says
Omfg! I have an 8 y.o. So I can so fucking relate. I’m in tears, with laughter… My coworkers can’t understand why I’m crying. I tried to read your post and they’re calling the men in white suits and that special coat that keeps me safe, so that’s what they tell me.
Oh, my! I need to read this later when I’m not crying! Great post!
❤️ Tiffany
Eric says
It’s a magical coat.. 😉 That what they told me of mine.. So glad you enjoyed this Tiffany.
tiffanybeingfree says
?still laughing! Maybe it’s so close to home.
tiffanybeingfree says
And this just confirms we’re in the same tribe!
Eric says
I never doubted that, in truth 😉
tiffanybeingfree says
???❤️Tiffany. I’ll bring the drums!
Eric says
Thank you for the smile today, Tiffany 🙂
tiffanybeingfree says
Anytime!
Dorinda Duclos says
Next time he yells, don’t react. When he hollers for you again, look quizzically around the room then at him and ask “did you say something?” When he yells yes (and he will yell) say “sorry it’s too loud in here, I couldn’t hear you”. Always worked for me lol
Eric says
Lol. I’ll give that a whirl 🙂 Thanks Dorinda.